Welcome to hell week, pass the m&m's....

My dear husband is the sole testosterone source in our family. It's him vs. 3 girls....3 menstruating females in the house. Sometimes, he comes home and there's a trifecta of ranting, crying and cravings going on with all 3 of us, at which time, he smartly offers to go to Costco and pick up a multi-pack of tampons and a pizza.
Through the years he has learned what to do and not do during that time of the month. That time would be that magical week or two between PMS and period. And as you ladies know, we women that hang out, work or live together, all begin to have our periods at the same time. Our cycles sync up in some kind of evil hormonal hoe down and there you go.... welcome to hell week, folks!

Luckily, teen PMS-ers are generally easier for Dads to handle as they tend to focus their venom on mom and/or their siblings. Your best case scenario is, one of the other women/girls in the house will say something to set her off, and she will stomp away while screaming "you just don't undertstand me!" or "I hate you!", slam the door to her room, and blast musci while she talks on the phone with her friends about how lame you all are and how she is so out of there when she turns 18. If you pull up to the house and notice that you are the only one home with a pms-y teen....drive away. Make periodic drive-bys, while ducking down so as not to be recognized, until someone else has shown up to take their fair share of the wrath or she's left to go commiserate with friends.

Now that special woman in your life can take these moments to a whole other level. So, here are a few helpful hints....

1. If she begans to repeat the phrases " that's just so irritating!" or "that's really getting on my nerves", either to you or to herself, stay alert, there's more coming. If these phrases are said while she is pacing, waving her arms and/or rubbing her temples, take immediate action. You may be able to head of a full-blown PMS meltdown if you do the following;

--Gently rub her shoulders and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Even if she says "no", do something anyway. Extra points if it's something she's been asking you to do.
Ex., fixing the screen door, picking up your underwear off the bathroom floor, writing an inspirational poem about what she means to do you...it doesn't matter how crazy, just frickin do it!

--Offer to finish whatever chore she's in the middle of doing and for the love of all that's holy, do it "her" way. Don't make the bed and leave the pillows all jacked up, don't wash the darks and lights together, don't make the kid's school lunch and forget the juice box...you've never seen a woman go off until you have forgotten a lunch box item! For your own sake, do it the right way--and that way would be her way.

--Begin to agree with her even if you have no idea what she's talking about. Make all of the appropriate noises-- "uh uh", "no", "really?"-- at the correct times. Throw in a "no way!" or "what could they have been thinking?" to show that you are really paying attention. Offer tissues if she's crying ,wine and chocolate accompanied by knee patting and back rubbing if necesary and make sure to give her a post-PMS fit hug even if you're still afraid that she's going to rip off your privates and show them to you.


Now men, an important point. If you don't take my advice and decide to handle it your own way,please try to remember the emergency "oh no, you did not just say that to me, you #$@%!" procedures....
If you utter any of the following phrases,take immediate evasive actions....
"what's your problem?"
"are you on the rag?"
"is it that time of the month again?"
"what's the big deal?"

Now, you've done it and there's only a few ways you'll get out alive...

--Take a defensive wide legged stance and duck and dodge whatever's being thrown at you. If you have time while she's looking for something to lob, sprint to your truck or toolshed and get your protective cup, baseball mitt and old football helment. Quickly don them all while running in a zig zag formation and screaming out how sorry you are.

--While holding up a pint of haagen dazs as an offering, back slowly away... do not make direct eye contact! Lay it gently down on the table (with a spoon and napkin of course, we're not in the wild here!) and stand to the side, hands folded meekly in front of you while looking conrite. If this does not work and the ice cream is flung off the table or she is engaging in dangerous hands on the hips while glaring and foot tapping behavior, drop to the ground and assume the fetal postion. If you're lucky she'll pass by without incident.

--If neither of these work, run, don't walk to a safe location. It's probably a fellow father of girls house and you've no doubt worked out your evacuation plans in advance. If not, climb onto your roof and start frantically signalling army helicopters with your shirt and hope they will throw down a rope ladder and you'll be rescued. If they don't show up, stay on the roof for at least an hour and then call her on your cell phone and ask if you can return home and run a nice bubble bath for her to soak in while you get the kids all squared away for the night. Even if she says "yes", heads up, she could be waiting for you at the bottom, holding scissors to your favorite sports jersey. If that's the case, scamper back up and start building that 2nd story you're always talking about.

That's my daily rant...
D