Why some people shouldn't have cameras....

Here are some awesome pics sent to me by my #1 Spin Ninja!
:) D

Random Thoughts, Quotes & Rants

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80%
of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize
it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!--Andy Rooney

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. -- Unknown

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them. -- Dick Van Dyke

Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband. -- John Parrott

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits -- Albert Einstein

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson


Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.--- A. Whitney Brown

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

And my personal favorite....
Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Ladies, make sure you check out this awesome site....who hasn't wanted the perfect cure for their camel toe affliction? And now, it's here....
https://www.cuchini.com/

That's my Daily Rant...
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Welcome to hell week, pass the m&m's....

My dear husband is the sole testosterone source in our family. It's him vs. 3 girls....3 menstruating females in the house. Sometimes, he comes home and there's a trifecta of ranting, crying and cravings going on with all 3 of us, at which time, he smartly offers to go to Costco and pick up a multi-pack of tampons and a pizza.
Through the years he has learned what to do and not do during that time of the month. That time would be that magical week or two between PMS and period. And as you ladies know, we women that hang out, work or live together, all begin to have our periods at the same time. Our cycles sync up in some kind of evil hormonal hoe down and there you go.... welcome to hell week, folks!

Luckily, teen PMS-ers are generally easier for Dads to handle as they tend to focus their venom on mom and/or their siblings. Your best case scenario is, one of the other women/girls in the house will say something to set her off, and she will stomp away while screaming "you just don't undertstand me!" or "I hate you!", slam the door to her room, and blast musci while she talks on the phone with her friends about how lame you all are and how she is so out of there when she turns 18. If you pull up to the house and notice that you are the only one home with a pms-y teen....drive away. Make periodic drive-bys, while ducking down so as not to be recognized, until someone else has shown up to take their fair share of the wrath or she's left to go commiserate with friends.

Now that special woman in your life can take these moments to a whole other level. So, here are a few helpful hints....

1. If she begans to repeat the phrases " that's just so irritating!" or "that's really getting on my nerves", either to you or to herself, stay alert, there's more coming. If these phrases are said while she is pacing, waving her arms and/or rubbing her temples, take immediate action. You may be able to head of a full-blown PMS meltdown if you do the following;

--Gently rub her shoulders and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Even if she says "no", do something anyway. Extra points if it's something she's been asking you to do.
Ex., fixing the screen door, picking up your underwear off the bathroom floor, writing an inspirational poem about what she means to do you...it doesn't matter how crazy, just frickin do it!

--Offer to finish whatever chore she's in the middle of doing and for the love of all that's holy, do it "her" way. Don't make the bed and leave the pillows all jacked up, don't wash the darks and lights together, don't make the kid's school lunch and forget the juice box...you've never seen a woman go off until you have forgotten a lunch box item! For your own sake, do it the right way--and that way would be her way.

--Begin to agree with her even if you have no idea what she's talking about. Make all of the appropriate noises-- "uh uh", "no", "really?"-- at the correct times. Throw in a "no way!" or "what could they have been thinking?" to show that you are really paying attention. Offer tissues if she's crying ,wine and chocolate accompanied by knee patting and back rubbing if necesary and make sure to give her a post-PMS fit hug even if you're still afraid that she's going to rip off your privates and show them to you.


Now men, an important point. If you don't take my advice and decide to handle it your own way,please try to remember the emergency "oh no, you did not just say that to me, you #$@%!" procedures....
If you utter any of the following phrases,take immediate evasive actions....
"what's your problem?"
"are you on the rag?"
"is it that time of the month again?"
"what's the big deal?"

Now, you've done it and there's only a few ways you'll get out alive...

--Take a defensive wide legged stance and duck and dodge whatever's being thrown at you. If you have time while she's looking for something to lob, sprint to your truck or toolshed and get your protective cup, baseball mitt and old football helment. Quickly don them all while running in a zig zag formation and screaming out how sorry you are.

--While holding up a pint of haagen dazs as an offering, back slowly away... do not make direct eye contact! Lay it gently down on the table (with a spoon and napkin of course, we're not in the wild here!) and stand to the side, hands folded meekly in front of you while looking conrite. If this does not work and the ice cream is flung off the table or she is engaging in dangerous hands on the hips while glaring and foot tapping behavior, drop to the ground and assume the fetal postion. If you're lucky she'll pass by without incident.

--If neither of these work, run, don't walk to a safe location. It's probably a fellow father of girls house and you've no doubt worked out your evacuation plans in advance. If not, climb onto your roof and start frantically signalling army helicopters with your shirt and hope they will throw down a rope ladder and you'll be rescued. If they don't show up, stay on the roof for at least an hour and then call her on your cell phone and ask if you can return home and run a nice bubble bath for her to soak in while you get the kids all squared away for the night. Even if she says "yes", heads up, she could be waiting for you at the bottom, holding scissors to your favorite sports jersey. If that's the case, scamper back up and start building that 2nd story you're always talking about.

That's my daily rant...
D

My girl's are olympians in teen 'tude

If eye rolling was a sport, my girl's would be gold medalists.
I am the lucky( stop chuckling) mother of two teen girls, who have perfected the art of teen attitude. I don't know what or why it happens, just some cosmic joke or biological tick, but as soon as puberty hits, teens are endowed with certain "super 'tude" powers.

Parents of pre-teens, look for the following signs.....

1. The Eye Roll... the big eyes rolling to the back off the head gesture and is usually accompanied by the phrases "whatever" or "that's so lame"
This can be done while stomping away, standing still or with the optional sigh attachment, depending on the level of perceived parental lameness.

2. The Sigh...not a normal sigh,this is a hissing like a komodo dragon sigh and is usually coupled with the eye roll. Teens truly fluent in sighing do this while rolling eyes, with hands on hips, while drawing out the sigh for at least 3 beats with jaws lolling wide open in disbelief that they parent can be so mean. Parents, if you see this combo, you have a pro on your hands!

3. The Flounce...an over the top, stomping of the foot with a turn and then a dramatic walking away while muttering under the breath. Really good flouncers will also add the phrase "fine!" said with tears in their eyes, a sassy hair flip or a venomous look over their shoulder as they exit.

4. The Mutter...also know as mumbling. Most answers to parental questions, will be followed by some form of this. It's always under the breath just a bit to low and slurred to be made out, but with just enough attitude so that you respond with " what was that?" or "I know you're not talking to me!"
Really champion mumblers will get you so bent with their tone, that they will be sent straight to their room even if parents are unsure if what was just mumbled was even in English.
If you have seen your child display any or all of the following signs, congratulations, you are now the parents of a teenager!

I have personally witnessed my daughters with a group of their friends,and all of them simultaneously displaying the above signs. It was like a scene out of children of the corn. Parents, my only advice if you see such a gathering is back away slowly while offering midol and ice cream or do what I do and carry a pocket taser.

That's my daily rant...
D

I've seen the puppet show, now put it back in your pants....

Have you ever noticed how men love to show you their junk?
I mean really, it can be like a full time hobby for them. I can not count the number of times I have stepped into my bedroom ( or out of the shower, or looked up from loading the dishwasher, etc) to see my husband showing me his hoo-hoo...not just showing it, but flashing it, making it "dance" or hanging a towel from it so that it's "lifting weights".
What the hell is that all about?!? Can you imagine a woman doing that?
When is the last time you heard about a woman laying in bed waiting for her husband to open the door so that she can show him the pencil she can hold under her boob? Never gonna happen!
I'm not saying we're not proud of our bodies or that we don't get silly in the bedroom sometimes, but I just never had the urge to glue plastic googly eyes on my cha-cha and give a puppet show to my husband as some kind of romantic interlude. I just figured that wouldn't do much for him, I know it doesn't do a thing for me, and have you ever tried to remove a glue dot from your crotch, not fun! So, I'll stick to my lingerie, thank you very much!
But I believe men DO think that we get some kind of illicit thrill from watching them dance like ferrets on crack while waving their man business around. They just look so pleased with themselves when they do it, and always have this look on their face like "oh yeah, baby, check it out!" Of course, they are shocked when we are not immediately overcome with awe at the sight of them.
Really hubby, what is my response supposed to be? Am I supposed to swoon at the sight of it and fall onto my back in a fit of desire. Why because you drew a smiley face on Mr. Happy? You want to send me into a fit of ecstasy? Drive my carpool, do the dishes, help put the kids to bed or at least leave me the hell alone and get your winkie out of my face for 5 minutes so that I can finish reading my book! Then, I'll be happy to turn off the lights and see what tricks Mr Happy can do.

That's my daily rant...
D

Seriously?!?

Today on a walk I passed a truck. This was no ordinary truck. This truck had a very unique sticker, it said;
"I Love My Wife"
.....in huge letters surrounded by flowers.

I know a few of you are thinking " oh, how sweet, what a good husband he must be."
Wrongo! I''m here to set you straight on why this sticker is totally jacked up.
I've been married a long time so believe me when I say I know husbands. And nearly every husband I've ever known,including mine,would rather french braid his nose hair and shave his left one, than display this sticker.
There are only 3 reasons why a husband would put a sticker like this anywhere on his vehicle;

1. He's a newlywed. I mean real new, as in married under 30 days. He's also probably very young,very insecure and/or borderline gay and trying to convince himself he's not. More than likely he's a combo of all three. In other words, by month 2, that stickers coming off that truck!

2. His wife has hit the lotto or gotten some other kind of huge cash settlement. This means he has put on the sticker because he's screwed up big time in the past and is now making a desperate gesture of adoration in hopes that she won't divorce his a*#. Good Luck, buddy! If you've been dogging this woman and now she's got cash, she may smile to your face,but believe me when I say she's hired a recent parolee to shank you in the night. Within in a week, he'll wise up, take off the sticker and go into witness protection.

3. He's cheated with a member of her family. Seriously,do I really need to explain this one? He blew it and now he's driving around trying to show everyone,most importantly his wife, that he's a good boy again. As soon as she catches him with cousin Betty again, (and we know she will, don't we, ladies?) she will scrape off the sticker with a rusty screwdriver and then chase him around the yard with said screwdriver until the police arrive.

Believe me, I can just about guarantee that the next time I pass that truck, it will stickerless and possible keyed,Tp'ed or covered in copies of the TRO she just filed on him.

That's my daily rant...
D